More poker humor to start our poker week...

Something light to start our poker week :-)


Poker humor evergreen: my fav. "Women playing poker"

Good, Evil, Order, Chaos and Truth at one poker table. Who is the winner?

(from www.launchpoker.com):
Order: Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
Chaos: I am here, but my opposite is you.
Order: Huh?
Evil: Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
Truth: My opposite is not here.
Good: Is your opposite "Lies"?
Truth: My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
Evil: : (snicker) Figures!
Order: Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Evil: Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
Good: I have the cards.
Evil: I've got the chips.
Truth: I have the beer.
Chaos: I have the cards!
Order: Shut up.

Order: Whose deal is it?
Evil: Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
Truth: It is Good's deal.
Good: OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?
Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
Order: I like this game.
Evil: This is pointless.
Truth: It is time to deal.
Good: Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Truth: Five.
Order: Five and raise you five.
Evil: Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
Order: I like ten better.
Evil:(sigh) Call.
Chaos: I fold.
Evil: YOU CAN'T LOSE!
Chaos: I still fold.
Good: OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
Evil: What's the point in taking more cards?
Truth: I will keep the cards I have.
Order: I will take two.
Evil: Why?!?
Order: I didn't like those.
Evil: None for me.
Chaos: I'll take six.
Good: Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
Evil: Oh, just get this over with.
Order: But now we have to bet!
Evil: Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
Truth: I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
Truth: I have five aces.
Order: I have five aces of spades.
Chaos: I have a three.
Good: Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
Evil: Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
Good: Where did you get that card?
Truth: He stole it from Chaos.
Evil: You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
Good: That was a stupid game.
Order: Whose deal is it?
Truth: The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
Chaos: Whee!
all but Chaos: (groan)
Chaos: Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...
Order: I fold...

POKER JOKES: Party Poker Offers US Government Massive Signup Bonus

(from www.parttimepoker.com):
WASHINGTON DC - Government sources here confirmed today that PartyPoker.com has in fact extended a massive signup bonus offer to the US Federal Government.

According to representatives from Party, the UFSG is eligible for a 20% bonus up to $500 million on its initial deposit. "With so much talk of regulation, we thought it would be a good idea for the government to get to know us better", said Party Poker Host Mike Sexton. "We're sure that once they experience the thrilling action of over 40,000 simultaneous players and non-stop multi table tournaments, they'll come around."

Analysts believe that the cash-strapped US will consider the offer seriously. "That's 500 million they didn't have before, first off", contends Brian Smernag of the Cato Institute. "I mean all they have to do is play, what, a trillion raked hands, they get the bonus, plus whatever they make. And", Smernag added, "if they can convince Russia to sign up, the US could make a pretty sweet amount off the referral commission."

POKER JOKES: Aspiring Online Pro's Career Delayed By Inability to Come up With Unique Screen Name

(from www.parttimepoker.com):
SPRINGFIELD, IL - Aspiring online poker pro Jason McDonald had a simple plan - quit his day job, read every poker book he could get his hands on, and make a living playing online poker. Things turned out to be a little more complicated than he imagined.

"The quitting my job part was easy", McDonald reported. "I hated that stupid ass job anyhow. And buying the poker books, no problem there either. I just went to Amazon and maxed out my credit card buying anything with 'poker' in the title."

It was while McDonald waited for his books to arrive that the fatal flaw in his plan presented itself. "I figured while I was waiting for the books to come, I could just sign up at a few sites and poke around, get comfortable, figure out which one was for me", recalled McDonald. "Little did I know the shit I was in for. Turns out every single good screen name is, like, taken."

McDonald first attempted to register as 'teddykgb'. "I wanted a name that showed I knew what was up, that I wasn't some newbie", he said. After trying variations such as teddikgb, KGBTEDDY, ted_kgb, tdkgb123, tedeekaygeebee, all without success, Mcdonald moved on to other Rounders-related names: daWorm, WORM, worm_player, rounder_worm, grama, kgb_grama, mikedarounder, kanisch, and sorryjohnidontremember, to name but a few.

After exhausting Rounders-themed possibilities, McDonald focused on more generic names. "I tried like 60 fucking names with 'pro', you know, so people would know I was a pro - pokerpro, propokerpro, pro123, pro_of_poker, dapro, and nothing. I was like, shit. Then I tried the same combos but instead of 'pro' I swapped in 'rock' or 'nuts'. Nothing. All taken."

Actual online professional Rick Hastings sympathizes with Mcdonald's plight. "Choosing a cool, intimidating name is a very important step in becoming an online pro", said Hastings, who plays as rickh and made over fifty thousand dollars in 2004 playing 10-20 online. "Mike should definitely focus on getting a good name as soon as possible, and not worry about reading all those books he bought or fiddling around with annoying simulation software. He needs to get online and playing as soon as possible, preferably playing 10-20 at interpoker between 5pm and 12pm EST."

POKER JOKES: 4-8 Players Apparently Entertained By Rounders Quotes, Dealer Unamused

(from www.parttimepoker.com):
TUNICA, MS - An overwhelming majority of players seated at table 5 [4-8 limit hold 'em] in Tunica's Gold Strike poker room were apparently entertained by an unidentified player who spoke only in quotes from the movie Rounders, casino sources reported Tuesday.

"There was this guy sitting in the one seat", Gold Strike dealer Mason Brennan recounted, "and every five minutes, no fail, he would spit out at least one quote from Rounders. That wasn't the weird thing, I mean it was annoying, but not unusual. The weird thing was the other people at the table. They were laughing and nodding like they've never heard this shit before."

Other dealers and floor managers reported hearing the unidentified man issue such well-worn, context cued quotes such as "I'm sorry John, I don't remember" [when a player would ask him about a mucked hand], and "Women are the rake of life" [anytime a woman was mentioned in passing conversation]. As the night progressed, the man began affecting a vaguely Russian accent in an apparent attempt to mimic John Malkovich's character.

"When I left the table at 9, it was pretty tame", recalled Brennan. "Just your standard, cheesy-ass Matt Damon-spoken poker aphorisms. But by the time I got rotated back, say around 11, he's doing this horrible Russian accent, like 'Eet izz bheg joke eeneway. I am jahust paheeying you wiv your ohn mohnee from last thime I steek it in you'."

While Brennan gamely attempted to hide his disgust, players at the table continued to egg the man on, laughing and providing a variety of verbal and non-verbal forms of positive, encouraging feedback. With each laugh and cheer, Brennan became more concerned: "I was really afraid he was going to do the little screwing dance Teddy does when he says that. That would've been it. I woulda just clocked him, just made like I was reaching for his cards after a hand, and then BAM! I don't make that much here anyway, and I've got a buddy at the Commerce who can hook me up. Thankfully," Brennan added with a sigh. "It didn't come to that. He had to go to some tournament or something, racked up his chips, said 'Eye see ahl ov you lay-tar' and split."

"I swear", said Brennan, "if they ever make a sequel to that fucking movie, it will be the death of me. Well, probably the death of someone else first, by my hand, and then me."

My comment: I passed this test, what about you? Lol...

POKER JOKES: TOP 5 REASONS YOU'RE READY FOR THE WSOP

(from www.parttimepoker.com):
Last year the World Series of Poker had around 2500 players. Five reasons why you should be player 2501 :

1) Really, 2500 players is no different from 250 $5 sit and go tournaments at Party, and you money in those, like, all the time.

2) You have a pair of novelty sunglasses that would freak out even Greg Raymer.

3) You have bought every single poker book sold by amazon.com. On top of that, you have serious plans to read some of them. Eventually.

4) They say the WSOP is a collection of local champions, and you fucking dominate your weekly home game. Of course, there was that time your 8 year old sister checkraised you with a set, and that other time she bluffed you with 9 high, and a few times where you just quit in anger after she cracked the aces you didn't raise preflop with, and that game where you thought you had a flush but your novelty sunglasses caused you to misread your hole cards and last week where you just didn't get any cards, damnit - but other than that, you dominate.

5) The buttoned-down working world just doesn't get individuals like you. This is your ticket out of their square-ass world full of rules and responsibilities [and health insurance and retirement plans and regular pay, but man, don't forget those oppressive rules].

Poker: questions and answers

(from www.launchpoker.com):
Q: How can you tell a poker player is lying?
A: His chips are moving.

Q:What's the difference between a guy praying at a poker table and a guy praying in church?
A:The guy at the poker table means it.

Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your porch?
A: Pay him for the Pizza!

Q: What is the difference between a poker player and a dog?
A: In about ten years the dog quits whinning.